“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a
 razor-blade.”
   “Don\’t panic, I\’m coming immediately. Have you
 done anything yet ?”
   “Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
 
     _____
 
   “Doctor, Doctor, You\’ve got to help me – I just
 can\’t stop my hands
   shaking!”
   “Do you drink a lot?”
   “Not really – I spill most of it!”
 
     _____
 
   “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the
 violin after the operation?”
   “Yes, of course…”
   “Great! I never could before!”
 
     _____
 
   man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife
 is pregnant, and her
   contractions are only two minutes apart!”
   “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
   “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her
 husband!”
 
     _____
 
   The surgeon told his patient that woke up after
 having been operated:
 “I\’m
   afraid we\’re going to have to operate you again.
 Because, you see, I
   forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”
 
   “Well, if it\’s just because of them, I\’d rather
 pay for them if you just
   leave me alone.”
 
     _____
 
   Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad
 news.
   Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad
 news first.
   Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
 They said you have 24
 hours
   to live.
   Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could
 be WORSE? What\’s the very
   bad news?
   Doctor: I\’ve been trying to reach you since
 yesterday.
 
     _____
 
   A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
 He hasn\’t been feeling
   well and wants to find out if he\’s ill. After
 the checkup the doctor
 comes
   out with the results of the examination.
 
   “I\’m afraid I have some bad news. You\’re dying
 and you don\’t have much
   time,” the doctor says.
 
   “Oh no, that\’s terrible. How long have I got?”
 the man asks.
 
   “10…” says the doctor.
 
   “10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks
 desperately.
 
   “10…9…8…7…”
 
     _____
 
   Doctor: “I\’ve got very bad news – you\’ve got
 cancer and Alzheimer\’s”
   Patient: “Well, at least I don\’t have cancer”
 
     _____
 
   A man walks into a doctor\’s office. He has a
 cucumber up his nose, a
   carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right
 ear.
   “What\’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
   The doctor replies, “You\’re not eating
 properly.”
 
   A young woman went to her doctor complaining of
 pain.
   “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
   “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the
 woman.
   “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor,
 “be a little more
   specific.”
 
   The woman touched her right knee with her index
 finger and yelled, “Ow,
   that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and
 again yelled, “Ouch!
 That
   hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe,
 “Ow, even THAT hurts”,
   she cried.
 
   The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment
 and told her his
   diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
 
     _____
 
   A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are
 all bandaged up. The
 boss
   says, “What happened to your ears?”
   He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when
 the phone rang and shhh!
 I
   accidentally answered the iron.”
   The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but
 what happened to your
   other ear?”
   He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”
 
     _____
 
   A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an
 ear ache.”
   2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
   1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this
 prayer.”
   1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink
 this potion.”
   1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow
 this pill.”
   1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this
 antibiotic.”
   2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial.
 Here, eat this root!”